We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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