there's paper in my vomit.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
