u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
