Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
