Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
