You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
