I accidentally had phone sex last night
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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