For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
