Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
