the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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