He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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