I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
