i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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