It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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