Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
