When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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