My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
