Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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