somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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