I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
