Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
