the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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