I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
