Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
