corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
