his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
