sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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