When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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