I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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