Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
