Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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