I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
