I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
sex in a hospital.. check
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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