the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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