I got chris browned last night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
