my vag is so smooth its legendary
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
