I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
