If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
