why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
