girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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