Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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