But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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