Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
