Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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