My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
