I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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