I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
