I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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