I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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