So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
